Stay REGULAR with your monthly issue of URANUS.

~ Stamford's (second) oldest local newspaper ~

- Getting to the bottom of Stamford and surrounding environ's news since 2024 -

The Stamford Uranus is a subsiduary of GloboTarmac Inc. formerly supported by the EU Truth in Journalism Directive. Nobody reads this bit so we can basically say whatever we like here, blather on about absolutely nothing, literally no one cares.

Please consider supporting Stamford Uranus. Maybe buy us a coffee! Head to the bottom

May 2024 ISSUE no:10001

TODAY'S TOP STORIES:

Church to be DEMOLISHED

Meadows spoiled by NOISY FEW, says ducks

OAKHAM MUSEUM unearths mucky VIDEOS

MYSTERY as pregnancy rates SOAR at newly formed CO-ED school

Much-loved shop to CLOSE, again

SPORT: Stamford celebrate LOSS with 'friendly tussle'

STAMFORD healthcare seeks to copyright skin fade haircut.

By Damson Jamon-Toast

Published: 24th Apr 2024 05:24.BST

Man getting his skin fade haircut
Typical skin fade haircut performed by an amateur
The "trendy" Skin Fade haircut, popular amongst the young males of Stamford may soon be a thing of the past, or at the very least the cost of a Skin Fade haircut will have to rise.

After a legal battle was launched by Stamford's very own Healthcare Trust in an attempt to stop hairdressers and barbers profiting from a treatment developed by healthcare professionals at Stamford Hospital.

'To many the origins of the Skin Fade haircut are a mystery not worth exploring, but to those that invented it, it has the potential to change lives,' said Community Nurse Joan Wick.

LICE INFESTATION

What started off as an attempt to help the youths of Stamford after an outbreak of lice infestation at the Welland Stamford Academy has grown into a global hairdressing phenomenon.

Another man getting his skin fade haircut
Nurse Joan Wick performing LRT (Lice removal therapy)
Whoops!

It was whilst local nurse Joan Wick was experimenting with lighter fluid to remove the parasitic infestation in a group of youths from Stamford's Welland Academy that she inadvertently set fire to one of the youths, and in an attempt to cover up the mass of burnt hair, stumbled upon the now familiar and popular 'skin-fade' hair cut. Experimenting further, she soon discovered that she no longer needed to set fire to the youth, but by simply shaving the lower back of the head she could fully remove the lice infestation.

PUBIC HELMET

The 'Pubic helmet' as it is known by healthcare professionals, also helps to reduce itching and scab development caused by mites, fleas, and lice - commonly found in the hair of 13-18 year old human males. A totally unexpected consequence of the development of this treatment has been that it is now considered 'trendy'. Psychologists believe the popularity of the Pubic helmet stems '...from the mistaken belief that it demonstrates to the wider public that the owner is 'lice-free', and this is, to some, attractive.'

A skin fade haircut
"Trendy" haircut or medical procedure?

With the expanding popularity of this treatment, Stamford Healthcare Trust feels it has lost out financially, as they receive no royalties when others use this treatment.

MONEY GRAB

At Oakham High Court this week Senior Healthcare professionals from Stamford Healthcare Trust gave a press conference after they petitioned the Rutland Board of Copyrights for an injunction on the deployment of the 'Pubic helmet' by anyone other than a fully-licensed practitioner. Dr Annabel Lecter added, 'If the Trust is successful in its bid for restitution, which is likely to be in the billions of pounds, we would like to reassure patients that this vast amount of money will not affect our healthcare services and the squalid scrum for non-face-to-face appointments at 8am would remain in place'.

Do you agree? What do you think? Really?

Sponsored editorial - GloboTarmac Inc.

Peterborough Festival of Tarmac

Much-loved celebration of 'All things Tarmac' returns for its 17th year. Promises to be a great day out for all the family.
Pile of rubbish on a street corner in Stamford

TOWN bemused by 'Art'

Anonymous local artist and prankster Xavier Potato creates 'rubbish' sculpture, according to local man, 83.

UP YOUR NEWS...

COUNCILLOR FORCED to RESIGN

After an extensive investigation lasting MANY minutes, elected Councillor and much loved local carer, Marigold Fury, 73, was forced to resign - after it became apparent she had failed to adhere to strict new self-enrichment protocols mandated by Lincolnshire County Council.

IMPROVED VIEWS of CAR PARK

Visitors to Stamford's cattlemarket car park will FINALLY be able to see their car from the meadows - when later this week ALL the trees bordering the river and meadows will be felled - following single complaint from visitor. Who luckily was a tree surgeon (Timbercide of Crowland).

WALLY CUSTARD to PERFORM at GRAND OPENING

After being away for exactly 5 years, Wally Custard is BACK and will be showcasing his topical brand of cheeky toilet humour at the newly renamed Flemish Enslaver. Never shy of controversy, Wally loves nothing better than poking fun at our continental cousins.